Category Archives: Beloofs About Others

I Still Believe…a Tribute to Elie Wiesel

elie-wiesel1Hi. My name is Rob and I am a serial people watcher. There; I admit it. I watch the news channels daily – my family would say I’m addicted. I admit I am addicted to all people and to watching them live their lives.

Yesterday, I watched the hostage siege ending in Bangladesh with 20 hostages and all the terrorists killed. The news of Elie Wiesel’s death followed closely, and this morning I checked in with CBS News and learned of the bombings in Baghdad on the last day of Ramadan.

People. Just people being people.

I admit that at times I feel discouraged and sad. I am sad that one of the greatest human beings of all time has left the planet, and I grieve for all victims of violence all over the globe. I know that if I choose, I can sink into despair, hopelessness, and depression. At times I wonder if I should; if perhaps it would be easier not to feel. The beloofs of despair and hopelessness are well known and easy to access:

“The world is going to hell in a handbasket”
“Maybe someday my ship will come in”
“Some people are just meant to be alone”
“Death is inevitable”
“What’s the point?”

And of course, those who practice hate and murder have their own beloofs. I will not put them into words here, because uttering such  beloofs gives them power and meaning. We have heard them before; at times even from those who seek to lead. They are beloofs of racism, hate, arrogance, ego, and fear.

LakeunionBut then, as my wife Mary Anne and I sat having dinner last night on the deck of one of our favorite Seattle restaurants with a wonderful sunset view of Lake Union, I found myself watching the other diners and the wait staff mingling and weaving around the tables. As I savored the wonderful oysters and wedge salad I had been served,  tears started to well up in my eyes as I soaked up the joy and love I witnessed all around me. Couples in deep conversation of love and romance. Groups of friends sharing their stories of the day, drinking and laughing together.

People. Just people being people.

I know deep in my soul and throughout every cell of my heart that the vast majority of human beings are pure and moral and ethical and loving at their core. Those who are not can create a great deal of suffering and chaos, but I believe they will never prevail. Elie Wiesel knew that better than anyone. Having survived the horror of Auschwitz at just 15, Elie Wiesel never lost his belief in people. He also knew he must use his voice – use his words for hope and good.

In the concentration camps, we discovered this whole universe where everyone had his place. The killer came to kill, and the victims came to die.

Most people think that shadows follow, precede or surround beings or objects. The truth is that they also surround words, ideas, desires, deeds, impulses and memories.

There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win.

When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.
Elie Wiesel

Here are my mantras in support of my belief in people:

May I always remember that at our core, we human beings are loving, moral, caring people.
May I rise up to my highest self above those who are misguided in their beloofs and actions, maintaining my true sense of hope and gratitude.
May I use my clear, conscious, true voice as an instrument of gratitude and healing for all who might commit or suffer violence among my brotherhood and sisterhood of humankind.

May you rest in peace brother Elie, and may we all teach peace.

Are the Beloofs I Have About You, Perhaps the Beloofs I Have About Me?

Buddah picture and quoteI believe we are at crucial moment in our development as a species. I suppose I believe that every moment is a crucial moment in my own personal development as a human being, so of course it follows that I believe every moment is crucial in our development as human inhabitants of the planet. We have been at this moment innumerable times before.

This quote by an unknown author begins with a perfectly reasonable statement, and ends with one that seems confusing and non-sensical. First, “I am not what you think I am.” How many times have I felt misjudged by another. When my father called me “unpatriotic” in my objections to the Vietnam war, I knew I was not what he thought I was. But It still hurt me deeply that he held such a beloof about who I was at my core.

But then, “You are what you think I am.” What? Is that even grammatically correct? Was my father being “unpatriotic’ when he judged me as unpatriotic? Perhaps; at the time, I found his judgment of me to be closed-minded and rigid. And I suppose one might judge being closed-minded and rigid as being unpatriotic. But was I not practicing the same process of “you are what you think I am”  with my father? Were we not projecting onto each other?

I heard one of our candidates who wishes to lead our nation utter the words, “he is a horrible human being” speaking about one of the other candidates. “You are what you think I am.” Hmmm. So the speaker of the phrase is a horrible human being? Or does the speaker unconsciously believe himself to be a horrible human being? Only he knows, and now I am more confused than ever.

The truth about projection cannot be summed up or understood in two simple sentences. Hell, Carl Jung and others have written volumes on the subject. Here are two quotes from Jung that I find helpful in trying to understand our unknown author from the quote in the picture:

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
― C.G. Jung

My father passed away in 1992 at the age of 80. We had been two volatile chemical substances; he a lifelong civilian employee of the Air Force who designed weaponry for three different wars, and me a hippie anti-war protestor and pacifist growing up in a post holocaust era. Before my father died, the chemical reaction between us had transformed us. We stopped defining each other and returned to just loving each other.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
― C.G. Jung

So the politician who said, “he is a horrible human being” is obviously irritated by his rival. If we apply “you are what you think I am” to his judgment, he may or may not a horrible human being himself, or even unconsciously believe himself to be a horrible human being. Jung would say that if the politician were to examine his judgment about his rival at a deeper level, he could reach a deeper understanding about himself. Unfortunately, I believe his intent is to win an election, and not reach a deeper understanding about himself.

So here are my thoughts on the quote: I don’t care what you think I am – as long as I know who I am. That’s the hard part – being who I am and showing my authentic self. What you think of me is none of my business. And furthermore, I don’t know who you are behind your mask of projection unless you take it off and show me your authentic self. When we are being our authentic selves without judgment, the reaction between the two chemical substances is predictable; it is love.

Can you imagine a moment in time when each and every one of us ceases to hold judgments of others, whether spoken or in thought? A time when people stop defining each other and accept each other at face value? Sure, we need to discern when we are unsafe and someone seeks to do us harm. But that’s a process of discernment, not judgment.

Here is the mantra I choose to repeat to my self whenever I feel I am being defined by another, or acting in a way that defines another:

In every moment, and in every encounter, may I release from the judgments I hold towards others so I can release from the judgments I hold towards myself, and in every moment and in every encounter may I hold others and myself in brilliant light and loving grace.

In every moment, and in every encounter, may I release from the judgments I hold towards others so I can release from the judgments I hold towards myself, and in every moment and in every encounter may I hold others and myself in brilliant light and loving grace.

In every moment, and in every encounter, may I release from the judgments I hold towards others so I can release from the judgments I hold towards myself, and in every moment and in every encounter may I hold others and myself in brilliant light and loving grace.

In loving memory of my father, Jacob, who passed from this world on February 21, 1992.

Holiday Beloofs

sad-holiday-dog-300x199I’ve been noodling about what to say about holiday beloofs. I think I’ve been avoiding saying anything because many of us share the beloof that we must  be “happy” or “joyous” during the holidays. but I’ve learned it isn’t so for many people – so here I go…

“Happy Holidays”, “Season’s Greetings”, “Happy Hannukah”, “Best Wishes”, “Peace on Earth”, “Have a Happy and Prosperous New Year”, etc, etc. Whew…

If we really said what is in our authentic hearts and heads, would the words be these standard greetings and trite sayings we mumble to each other as we pass on the street, in the mall, or in the workplace? Or perhaps might we share the truth about how we are feeling about what’s going on in our lives.

Of course for many of us the holiday season conjures memories of “Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la la la la la”. But for others, the season may trigger memories of drunken brawls, molestation, abandonment, or death. Is one of our beloofs “If I feel and express my real feelings during the holidays I will be seen as a Grinch?” Or, “If I don’t buy everyone the right gift they will think I don’t really care about them.” Or perhaps, “I don’t want ‘ruin’ the holidays for those around me?” Or maybe, “Let’s forget about it, just get drunk and watch football.”

Do we spend the holidays surrounded by others, or perhaps isolated and alone? Are we estranged from our families, or perhaps going through an ugly breakup of a relationship? Are we out of work and short on money? Do we hide shame and self-loathing behind overspending, competition, and addiction?

How did these beloofs develop in the first place? Bequeathed from our family system? Passed on from generations of ancestry? Years of dogma and training from our religious indoctrination? Fear of being an outlier?

Do we really want to hang on to beloofs that don’t work anymore?

Here are some new mantras to consider repeating to yourself throughout the holiday season:

“I free myself from any and all shame and self-loathing I hold about myself and my situation”
“My life is evolving just as it should”
“I seek out and find people and communities that love me
“I take the risk of expressing my authentic self”

May we all teach peace and well-being throughout the entire New Year!

If you’re not with me, you’re against me – Beloofs of Intolerance

teachpeacecropThis tragic beloof shows it origins in the bible and has been handed down historically from generation to generation. We are continuing to struggle with it even today. It seems as if racism, bigotry, and hate are as strong as ever across the globe.

If we accept the definition of the beloof as “a mistaken personal belief, usually about oneself, that was created during a time of trauma resulting in self-limiting behavior,” might it be that hating others is an unconscious projection of self-hate? If the only way I can validate my own beliefs is by being intolerant of those who do not believe as I do, wouldn’t the same apply to my beloofs? Could intolerance and hate of others actually have its roots in the unconscious intolerance and hate I have for myself?

I don’t think it’s quite that simple; I believe there is one additional ingredient in the soup of intolerance – fear. If we are mired in narcissistic self-loathing it puts us in a state of worry and fear that triggers the fight or flight response. If an entire group of people are mired in narcissistic self-loathing and fear, that group operates out of the fight or flight response and operates from a place of intolerace. I believe nacessistic self-loathing and fear has resulted in the beloofs of intolerace that have spawned most of humankind’s violence towards each other; whites towards blacks, men towards women, christians and muslims, nazis and jews, etc., etc., etc.

And so has it ever worked to wage war against the intolerant? Does it make any sense whatsoever to become intolerant of the intolerant. Instead, might we all simply learn to drop our intolerant beloofs against ourselves and teach others to be tolerant and loving towards themselves? You will say, “but those who are intolerant of me wish to kill or harm me – what am I to do then.”

I believe our only option is to ask our own intolerance to stand down and to always teach peace, no matter what the cost. I am prepared to sacrafice my life for the cause of peace.

Try this mantra:

May we all teach peace
May we all teach peace
May we all teach peace

Perhaps if enough of us repeat it enough, it will be enough to spread peace and tolerance throughout our planet and universe.

May you have blessings of gratitude and love throughout this wonderful holiday season.

If You Really Loved Me…

if-you-really-loved-me-ecard copyThis is one of the most common, complex, and destructive beloofs we can hold. It silently lies waiting in our subconscious mind until we are feeling especially vulnerable and insecure. This beloof implies that if someone “really” loved me, it must be demonstrated by a particular behavior or action. Most times it pops into our conscious thinking as a stem sentence we may apply to a variety of situations. Here are some examples you might have heard yourself or others say:

If you really loved me:

  • You would know what I need without my telling you
  • You would tell me you love me more often
  • You wouldn’t be angry at me
  • You would bring me more gifts
  • You wouldn’t need other friends in your life
  • You would automatically know when I need a hug/sex
  • etc., etc., etc.

     The origins of the “If you really loved me…” beloof usually date back to a serious and early injury to the heart. The injury most often is emotional, although sometimes an actual physical injury can trigger this beloof. We may experience such an injury to the heart when we leave the womb and experience our first physical separation from our mother. Our vulnerable heart may be injured when our parents divorce and our immature mind believes our very existence caused the split. Perhaps it developed during periods of physical or emotional abuse by a parent or sibling.

     The beloof “If you really loved me…” reflects a deep split in our relationship with ourselves. Early trauma has brought us to a place of self-doubt that we believe can only be soothed by a “loving” act or behavior by someone we have defined as our love object. We have lost our ability to feel natural love in our heart for ourselves and others and have come to interpret someone else’s behavior or actions that represent their love for us. Since we have lost the feeling of love in our heart for ourselves, we have lost the feeling of love in our heart for others. We want their actions and behavior to fill our hearts with feelings of love for ourselves, and there is never enough. When it doesn’t work, we may become resentful or depressed.

     Perhaps my spouse forgot to buy me an anniversary or birthday card on our special day…yuk!  Maybe my parent comes to my house for a holiday dinner and criticizes my cooking…zing! Maybe my child refuses to clean their room, and calls me a name…ow! Perhaps a friend goes out with another friend and doesn’t invite me along…snap! We experience the same pain in our heart as we felt during the original trauma. Many times it is sharp and painful; other times dull and lonely. We feel abandoned and dejected and all that pain is a result of a single beloof…”If you really loved me…”

     The cure? Release the beloof and the pain is released with it.  Accept that the beloof is a result of an injury to our heart and requires healing before we can love ourselves and others. Go back through your history and identify events and situations when you experienced an injury to your heart. A Heart Centered Hypnotherapist can help with this if you get stuck. When you have identified those events, imagine yourself as that child, and hold that child’s heart in pure unconditional love. Put your adult hands over your physical heart and send healing energy into the child’s heart. You can start every day and end every day putting your hands over your inner child’s heart while you repeat these mantras;

 “I am a beautiful child of God and I am loved unconditionally.”
 “I am lovable and perfect just the way I am.”
 “I heal any and all injuries to my heart and fill it with deep love for myself and others.”

Please leave a comment on your own experience of “If you really loved me…”