This is one of the most common, complex, and destructive beloofs we can hold. It silently lies waiting in our subconscious mind until we are feeling especially vulnerable and insecure. This beloof implies that if someone “really” loved me, it must be demonstrated by a particular behavior or action. Most times it pops into our conscious thinking as a stem sentence we may apply to a variety of situations. Here are some examples you might have heard yourself or others say:
If you really loved me:
- You would know what I need without my telling you
- You would tell me you love me more often
- You wouldn’t be angry at me
- You would bring me more gifts
- You wouldn’t need other friends in your life
- You would automatically know when I need a hug/sex
- etc., etc., etc.
The origins of the “If you really loved me…” beloof usually date back to a serious and early injury to the heart. The injury most often is emotional, although sometimes an actual physical injury can trigger this beloof. We may experience such an injury to the heart when we leave the womb and experience our first physical separation from our mother. Our vulnerable heart may be injured when our parents divorce and our immature mind believes our very existence caused the split. Perhaps it developed during periods of physical or emotional abuse by a parent or sibling.
The beloof “If you really loved me…” reflects a deep split in our relationship with ourselves. Early trauma has brought us to a place of self-doubt that we believe can only be soothed by a “loving” act or behavior by someone we have defined as our love object. We have lost our ability to feel natural love in our heart for ourselves and others and have come to interpret someone else’s behavior or actions that represent their love for us. Since we have lost the feeling of love in our heart for ourselves, we have lost the feeling of love in our heart for others. We want their actions and behavior to fill our hearts with feelings of love for ourselves, and there is never enough. When it doesn’t work, we may become resentful or depressed.
Perhaps my spouse forgot to buy me an anniversary or birthday card on our special day…yuk! Maybe my parent comes to my house for a holiday dinner and criticizes my cooking…zing! Maybe my child refuses to clean their room, and calls me a name…ow! Perhaps a friend goes out with another friend and doesn’t invite me along…snap! We experience the same pain in our heart as we felt during the original trauma. Many times it is sharp and painful; other times dull and lonely. We feel abandoned and dejected and all that pain is a result of a single beloof…”If you really loved me…”
The cure? Release the beloof and the pain is released with it. Accept that the beloof is a result of an injury to our heart and requires healing before we can love ourselves and others. Go back through your history and identify events and situations when you experienced an injury to your heart. A Heart Centered Hypnotherapist can help with this if you get stuck. When you have identified those events, imagine yourself as that child, and hold that child’s heart in pure unconditional love. Put your adult hands over your physical heart and send healing energy into the child’s heart. You can start every day and end every day putting your hands over your inner child’s heart while you repeat these mantras;
“I am a beautiful child of God and I am loved unconditionally.”
“I am lovable and perfect just the way I am.”
“I heal any and all injuries to my heart and fill it with deep love for myself and others.”
Please leave a comment on your own experience of “If you really loved me…”